Matters of the Wounded Heart

Last year, I published a book called The Rescue You Program: How to Improve Your Life and Reinvent Your Love after an Affair, this being a personal experience for me. The affair in my marriage happened four years ago, but I can recall the emotional roller coaster I rode as if I was on it yesterday. The first chapter in my book, Shock and Circumstance, is led by this song lyric:

” . . . this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness, that brings me to my knees.” –Angel by Sarah McLachlan

Oh, that song. It was in my ear often back then and it still showers peace over my heart when I hear it now. In the immediate aftermath of an affair, when you’ve realized that everything that was, isn’t, anymore . . . It’s tragic and there is grief. Since my own experience, I have learned to love grief. It is your body’s natural cleansing and it washes over you as you mourn the loss of something. It can be beautiful and transformational.

For several months after I published, I heard no reader feedback. My book still remains review-less on Amazon.com. I told myself, “No news is good news,” but frankly, I had no idea how people were feeling about The Rescue You Program. Until recently. Comments and emails started crawling in, and they’re coming from real-life readers in real-life situations.

When I receive a Rescue You reader comment, fireworks go off in my heart. I write back, saying more than I probably should. I tell them “great work,” and “what a traumatic time for you,” and “I’m so proud,” and “all the best.” But what I feel–what I’d say if it could get the whole message across would be:

I love you so much.

First of all, I’m thrilled and thankful that people read my book. That, in itself, fills my heart. However, the fact that these women contact me? Well, I’m honored beyond words. I often compare people who face difficult life struggles with  the caterpillar-butterfly transformation. Did you know that when a caterpillar enters a cocoon, it doesn’t simply sprout wings? Instead, the caterpillar dissolves into sticky liquid form and then rebuilds itself as a butterfly. I can close my eyes and know that feeling–that liquid form-feeling. It’s vulnerable, sweet, and the absolute truth.

When readers write to me, I know that in a matter of long months, or short years, they will hardly recognize that old, caterpillar-self of theirs. They’ll think, when I was a caterpillar, I never even knew butterflies existed! But the one thing us butterflies will never, ever forget? The sweet madness of our cocoon and the glorious sadness of the transformation.

Love . . . in liquid form.

Honest Talk: After the Affair

An extramarital affair is such closeted material, which is the number one reason I love discussing it! If you’re having this experience, you may know that it’s virtually impossible to get real people to talk about it, especially if they’ve successfully recovered from the ordeal. The first few months are grief-stricken and tumultuous and here, from O Magazine, is one woman’s account.

He Cheated, She Stayed: One Woman’s True Story of Getting Over Infidelity

There is hope! For more information, please visit my website at www.rescueyou.org or search “The Rescue You Program” at amazon.com. All the best in love and life!

Dealing with Betrayal

Maya Angelou is known to have said, “When a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” This sentence of advice may sting after a betrayal. Or, it may provide a great reassurance.

Can you remember a relationship that ended badly? Any type of relationship will do well with this example, whether it be with a friend, relative, or lover. You can probably look back into your history with that person and remember the first time they said or did something that gave you pause, like a spiritual red flag. We’re all susceptible to these slips in judgement, this misalignment with people. Trial and error is how we find best friends, true loves, and kindred spirits.

However, sometimes you want something to be as you expected it so much, that you overlook spiritual red flag #1. And spiritual red flag #2. And of course, spiritual red flag #3, until you’re full blown involved in your latest dysfunctional relationship. Yes, we get better at recognizing spiritual red flags, but we don’t always get better at honoring their presence. Before you know it, you feel off-course and agitated and that dysfunctional relationship is feeling pretty comfortable and safe. You’ve passed all the spirtual red flags on the road, and now you’re facing glaring “WRONG WAY” signage. Hence the quote, “When a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

Then again, sometimes things are not so cut and dry, especially in dealing with betrayal. Betrayal can be a poisonous bite from a venemous person. Or, It can be a self-sabotaging act of discontent. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not out to help sweep wrongdoings under the rug. I like to think my job is to help good couples keep it together and help loving families remain intact. Sometimes, betrayal is not a revelation of a who a person is, as we so often see on talk show TV and tabloid articles. Instead, betrayal can be a misguided and uncharacteristic attempt to feel better.

The social rule for betrayal–especially in love relationships–is, “LEAVE!” You’re almost expected to do this or you’ll be seen as weak and dependent of the person who betrayed you. What if you know who a person really is, based on what they’ve shown you for the last decade or so? And what if it’s not harmful? What if the past is filled with spiritual green go flags? Would you be willing to leave a kindred spirit over social expectations?

The Rescue You Program: How to Improve Your Life and Reinvent Your Love after an Affair

Available at amazon.com

www.rescueyou.org

or

http://www.amazon.com/Rescue-You-Program-Improve-Reinvent/dp/1449561683/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1263765364&sr=8-1

Thanks for looking! All the best to you.