Tag Archives: funny

Girls’ Weekend: Don’t miss the funny!

It all began on a Friday afternoon. Here are the girls:

Arriving at my chateau

We had a loose weekend itinerary. We wanted to be sure we took in some new places and made great memories, and we also wanted to be sure we had time to lounge and relax. The weather cooperated beautifully: sunny and in the late 80’s to early 90’s. Our first order of business was a wine tasting at a local winery.

The fun started with the drive to Old House Vineyards. I lived in Northern Virginia several years ago, but I’ve never seen Virginia like this before. It’s a love affair for me. Since I’m fairly to new to town, I get excited anytime we’re driving in a new direction and taking a way out of the neighborhood that I’ve not yet seen. The road to Old House was stunning. One mile out of the city, we found ourselves surrounded by country life and lush greenery. Old House itself was no disappointment. It looked like this:

The island at Old House

Inside, we had a blast! There is nothing more rich than a mahogany tasting room.

Tasting Room at Old House

And nothing more delicious than a glass of wine poured by someone who knows exactly how to describe it.

Tasting at Old House

Afterward, we took a bottle of wine out to the island.

Wine barrel as a tripod

Jodi, Dee, and Paula

Me, Dee, and Paula

We liked what we tasted and brought a case of wine back home. It was a lovely and peaceful start to the weekend, but it would soon take a strange and amusing twist. After the winery, we headed to downtown Culpeper–a very small and boutique-y main street. I had heard great things about some local restaurants, but we skipped those and went to a pub that had a wooden deck attached for outdoor sitting and drinking.

I noticed the spot we chose the previous week when my family and I headed downtown for the Saturday morning Farmer’s Market. It was daylight then, but I could see strings of twinkle lights and the entrance to the bar. I imagined a lit-up night scene with good music wafting down to the street below. I could practically picture my friends and I at one of the tables.

Cut back to girls’ weekend. We walked into the pub, which was entirely empty at 6:00 pm. The wait staff looked confused by our presence. One very brave waiter approached us to find out what we were doing there. He stood in front of all the empty tables and said, “Can I help you?”

I was the local, so I had to take the initiative. I said, “Do you serve dinner?”

He answered my question with one of his own, “Dinner?” He was so puzzled, and this should have been a red flag. As he stood in front of all of his empty restaurant tables, we could watch him wondering what we might be talking about: You mean, you want to eat here?

The waiter then offered to put us at the closest table. I mean, he saw it right next to him, and again, we could see his thought process: Why, they could sit right here! But, I asked if he could take us outside, like I’d imagined it. My idea pleased him, he was having one a-ha moment after another: We do! We have tables outside! Where you could eat!

Once seated, everything came back to the wait staff as they shuffled around us. Our waiter brought menus, but the main dishes were highly priced and the selection was limited. We finally allowed ourselves the idea that this wasn’t a good place to order dinner, so instead, we decided to stay for a drink and then go somewhere where we could eat and see the Pens game.  Dee and I ordered a glass of wine to compliment that which we’d already been drinking, Jodi ordered a dirty martini, and Paula ordered a rum and coke.

The wine came quickly, but the mixed drinks didn’t. Dee and I sipped our wine for about 10 minutes before the first mixed drink showed up: rum and coke. Only, it was a splash of rum and seltzer water they had somehow turned cola-colored, not coke. Five minutes later, when Jodi’s dirty martini came, Paula asked for a replacement rum and coke. Minutes after that, Jodi realized that the dirty martini had a bug in it. The rum and coke came back with a splash of rum and another substitute for cola–Paula’s best guess? Diet Mr. Pibb.

At that point, Paula felt as though she was paying $8 for a virgin Rum and Diet Mr. Pibb, Jodi felt she’d had one too many sips on her buggy martini, and Dee had finished her wine but found a giant crack in her water-glass. When the waiter came back, we explained everything all over again. I said, “Why don’t you comp us for the mixed drinks we didn’t drink and just charge us for the two glasses of wine?” After some discussion inside, the restaurant found this was a reasonable solution and we were ready to go.

Well, we thought we were ready to go, until Jodi called for the waiter to come back. She wanted a shot of tequilla before we left for the next spot. The other two of my friends started fussing, but I was not nearly so subtle. In front of the waiter, and at my friend, I shouted, “NOOOOOOoooooooooo!”

I would give anything to see behind-the-scenes footage from inside the restaurant. The waiter disappeared again for a heavy five minutes. The next time we saw him, he was coming through another entrance with a bottle of tequilla, as if he had just gone out and purchased it. “Almost ready,” he said.

That point in the weekend was one of the most entertaining events of my life. I had tears streaming down my face from all that had happened. Confused service. Bugs in our drinks. Bad mixes. A broken glass. Adjusted tab. 45 minutes of our night. And my friend, after all of it, Oh, do you know what you can get me? Do you know what would just be so great right now? One shot of tequilla, please.

Well, after that we headed to Glory Days, where we were pleased to find a Pittsburgh Steelers banner on the wall and the Pens game on the TV. The bartenders served us no bugs, broken glass, or bad soda mix. Instead, they brought us delicious drinks and great food. Afterward, we headed home to find that my husband had started us a bonfire in the backyard fire pit. We carried on into the night . . .

For Saturday morning, we planned a hike in the Shenandoah Mountains. We left my house fairly early and drove about an hour to get to our trail, the Rose River Loop. It was a pretty relaxed hike and it promised waterfalls and streams on the path.

Shenandoah Mountains

We took a leisurely pace and found the waterfall within a half an hour.

Waterfall on Rose River Loop

Right after that, the most bewildering thing happened. We came to a fork in the road. To the left was a post marking a smaller trail.

Clearly Marked Trail

To the right of this Rose River trail was a much larger, unmarked trail path.

A crossroads

Now, I hardly know how to tell the story of our getting lost. It started right here with the trail marker. We were baffled by this signage and the look of the trail. It was slightly narrow, much different from the trail we had just come down, and the path to the right (the wrong way) looked wide and inviting. There were other people around, and they were following this marker, but we took very little notice of them as we weighed our options. In fact, we thought we’d be adventurous and try this here trail.

My friends on the correct trail

We stayed on this path for a few minutes until we came to a muddy area. We stopped short in our tracks. What are we doing on this path? We wondered and asked aloud. We better get back on the real trail. To our tired and hung over minds, this made complete sense. All four of us were in strong agreement. We excused ourselves past all the other hikers on that correct trail to right ourselves the wrong way.
New Paragraph
After about 20 minutes on the wrong trail, we came to a T in the path. To our left, a down-hill slope that turned and disappeared deeper into the mountain side. To our right, an up-hill path marked “No Fires.” We thoughtfully considered both of those incorrect options and decided to go LEFT. Metaphorically, it was as if we were served a drink with a bug in it . . . and we ordered another one.

My friends on the wrong trail, OR, How we managed to turn a four mile hike into a four hour job

Not to say that we weren’t questioning ourselves along the way. In fact, the last thirty minutes of our wrong-way trek were spent arguing over what had happened and rationalizing the choices we’d made. The only reason we stopped going the wrong way is because we came across a dropping–right in the middle of our trail–that looked like something the size of a bear would’ve pooped. At that point, we started to think of all of the other people we came across at the waterfall, and where were they?

We went into the woods at about 11:30 and came out hours later, sweaty, dirty, and with bugs on us. We were starving and didn’t care, so we actually went to Ruby Tuesday’s in our hiking clothes and the lady at the door asked if we were coming from the gym. I wish. And what if we looked like that in regular life, all the time? That comment would’ve been offensive! Honestly, I’ve never come to the dinner table so filthy in my whole life. But because we’d been starving and lost in the woods, it was a life or death situation and Ruby Tuesday’s was our feast of choice.

After that, I was too tired to take any more pictures. We came home, cleaned up, and drank a bucket of margaritas. The end. 🙂


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Fuzzy Neighbor Update #3: No Love From Next Door

I’ve been busy hosting company these last few weeks and I’ve had very little development on the Fuzzy Neighbor front. And that is OK. I have all summer to make myself seen and heard. There’s only been 1 Fuzzy Neighbor happening, and it’s not good. In fact, I feel a strong sense of rejection. 

Our very next door neighbors have erected a “Jacobs Keep Out” rope. 

Jacobs Keep Out Rope


I’ll be honest with you, I was scared to take these shots. I’ve only seen rare glimpses of these neighbors. I’m not sure what they’re about, but I live in a very bustling, busy, kid-friendly neighborhood. My husband and I struggled with the erection of the rope, and simultaneously tried to figure out what we had done to cause it. We can think of a few things: 

1. Our children sometimes walk a path beside their yard to get to another neighbor’s house. 

2. My husband always cuts one mower’s length into their yard as a courtesy to us and them. Their yard is normally an overgrown mess. 

3. We recently increased the traffic in our backyard. It’s our first summer in this home. We added: 

A black and gold seating and fire pit area

And a sand and water play table

As you can see, my baby is now paranoid and constantly looking over his shoulder. But, I’ll tell you what I bet the real reason is, and please know that I risked life and limb to bring you this shot. 

No Trespassing Sign: Window on the left

These neighbors are just plain weird.

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You Tweet Too Well. You Tweet Twell. 2nd Edition.

So, here are more super tweets and I wanted to share them first on my blog, and then steal them as my own on Twitter. You’ve been forewarned and I have the right to steal your tweets? OK. We’re agreed.

“That contraction hurt SOOO bad! ugh! That was definitely a 5!” –mrs_lds. Enchanting. I followed her tweets while she counted her contractions. What a fun Monday morning, and I can hardly wait to follow labor and birth. Wonder if she’ll tweet the count as she’s pushing, or if she’ll have someone do that for her. TBD. You are safe, my love, as I am not pregnant right now, so it will be years or another lifetime before I steal your tweets.

“Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.” –Phoernicia. Clever. Borrowing this one as my own, friend.

“Smoke alarm beeping every 2 minutes. I removed battery. Still it beeps. It’s possessed. I’m scared. I shall set it on fire” –davidschneider. Funny. My house has about 18 smoke alarms in it because we’re afraid of spontaneous combustion. It happens. What’s fun is that all alarms are due for batteries about the same time and it’s hard to identify which one needs changing today. Those beeps waking me in the middle of the night is an ingredient for the recipe of my first nervous breakdown. Since I’ve experienced the same thing, it’s fair to say this tweet belongs to me.

“Speaking of birds. I must thank the kind feathered creatures that sung sweet melodies and helped dress me and make my bed this morning.” –imwithjc, or, the official Jesus twitter. Informative. You no longer have to wonder, what would Jesus do? You just ask him @imwithjc I am only Divine by Your Sacrifice, JC. Therefore, I cannot take your tweets, but this blog officially belongs to you. I assume you already know the account password.

jdhalm remains incredibly talented and is on my favorites-list, tweettoowelltweeters on Twitter. After my first You Tweet Too Well blog, I realized that she hasn’t tweeted since April of 2009, and she only created three tweets. I have them all here, for us to enjoy together. From oldest to newest:

“American idol tonight!!! I wish they would have a NKOTB night!!!! That would be soooo bad a*s!!!!!”

“Soooo, I just got my tickets to NKOTB!!!! Woodlands, TX!!!! Can’t freakin wait!!!! I think we might get kinda wasty that night fo sho!!!!”

“@DonnieWahlberg Soooo, just got my tickets to NKOTB! Woodlands, TX! Can’t freakin wait! I think us girls might get wasty that night fo sho!” –jdhalm. Fantastic. Again, I like how she “might” get wasty, but it’s also “fo sho.” What I love is that she up-played how wasty she was going to get for Donnie. The first one feels like the truth to me. She was only going to get “kinda” wasty. However, she wanted Donnie to think she was fully “wasty.” Hmmmm . . .

I’m upset with Donnie Wahlberg right now. If he would have acknowledged jdhalm’s latest tweet, she would probably still be tweeting today and I would have much more to go on. I don’t know how receptive Donnie Wahlberg is to his twitter account, but something needs to be done about this.

As a final note, You Tweet Too Well is now coming to you weekly. Link up by posting your own Tweet Too Well blog or post in the comments section below.

P.S. Working on my Real Housewives Cobblesquat.  JC, could really use you on this one. Team Bethenny?  Or Team Jill?

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You tweet too well. You tweet twell.

Back story: Do you see what I just tweeted. So, these are super and I wanted to share them first on my blog, and then steal them as my own tweets. You’ve been forewarned, right? I have the right to steal your tweets? OK. We’re agreed.

“That foot sex tweet won me 3 new followers. Cha-ching!” –By Frangia. Intriguing . . .

“Hold on to your asses. BIG NEWS.” –By ALMoreExciting. Exciting!

“How many times can Malcolm Turnbull post the link to his article?” –By eacrook. My kind of funny. How many times had Malcolm Turnbull done it so far?

“I get really distracted trying to talk to someone with no upper front teeth, you?” –By RKLugo. Classic.

“I don’t know Anissa, but A: I am totally pulling for her & sending all my good vibes. B: way to go people! this flood of caring is amazing!” –By causeiamawoman. New age. I love when people openly send good vibes.

“So, if I return the 2 or 3 phone calls I don’t feel like making, will the person who’s not returning my calls call me back? Just wondering.” –By RLVT. Clever. This is just the type of thing I’m talking about. I’m stealing this one for sure.

“who is this strange person sitting in my apartment in a pink snuggie reading Twilight and eating Ramen Noodles? Oh wait. That’s me.” –By Megsstine. Clever. Stealing this one too, but changing the title of the book, changing apartment to house, and changing Ramen Noodles to Cup O’Noodles. Wait. Nevermind. “My” post will be completely new and unrecognizable.

“Today I feel bloated and ugly like a pair of Crocks.” –By SnarkyWeinerDog. Clever. Taking that one; calling it my own.

“In bed with a cute guy. Hope he doesn’t notice.” –By JohannaGohmann. Clever to the point of no fair.

“Rum makes for terrible hangovers. I’m sticking with Vodka.” –By BrownBagCindi. Reasonable.

 “Thanks Roeland Park police for not knocking on our door and windows tonight…#spookypolice” — By LindsayP. Interesting. Why are the police spooky?

“@DonnieWahlberg Soooo, just got my tickets to NKOTB! Woodlands, TX! Can’t freakin wait! I think us girls might get wasty that night fo sho!” –By jdhallm. Funny. I don’t care who you are. Everything about this post from NKOTB to wasty is Love. I like that you “might” get wasty, but it’s also “fo sho.” I would steal this, if it were more believable. “Us” girls, aka my girls, aren’t anywhere near Woodlands, TX.

“When I see a hot tub, I don’t see a hot tub. I see a cauldron for people soup.” –By S_SylvesterGLEE. Too clever past the point of no fair. Let’s pretend we didn’t even see this one because she’s so completely out of my league.

“@chelseahandler chunk convinced me to let him out of the plastic dungeon thing and party hard. Ransom still $1100. http://twitpic.com/1hvpkm” –By JennyfromMTV. Throw-Back. I like this post for several reasons. #1: It’s Jenny McCarthy. #2: She’s speaking directly to Chelsea Handler. #3. Chunk? Goonies? Total Throw-back. A+. I’m not stealing this, I’m afraid I could get sued.

“I’ll also be on CNN tomorrow afternoon (Sat. April 10. I’ll be talking about a number of things, tax debt, spring… http://fb.me/v4BqJPES” –By SingletaryM. Important. You know what? I’m going to make a post like this, and it’s going to be so important that people won’t even care whether or not it’s true. I love how the post says tax debt, and then spring. I’m going to talk about saving a marriage after an affair, and then swimming pools and beach balls. 

“‘Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.’ -Anais Nin” –By islandcoach. Wisdom. Anais Nin? I hear Jewel singing the name. Lovely choice of quote.

Holy eyes wide open, Batman! I just figured out how to figure out when people are talking directly to me with the @ symbol. I’m having actual back-and-forth with fellow tweeters, so, feeling pretty pro right now. Honest to gosh, next thing you know, I’ll create a sensible and/or witty tweet. 

P.S. Having a spring girls’ getaway next weekend that will knock your socks off when I blog and post pictures. Jenny McCarthy, you are so totally invited. All the best in love and life.

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