Category Archives: relationships

Everybody’s Plotting to Support Me

“I’ve always been the opposite of paranoid. I operate as if everyone is a part of a plot to enhance my well-being.”—Stan Dale

I have a super power and you might have it, too: I can read other people’s minds.  For example and just last night, my husband walked into the kitchen (where I was working) and headed straight to the refrigerator—without so much as a glance in my direction.

So, I read his mind. When he didn’t acknowledge me sitting in the room, my super power told me that my husband must have a problem with me. I thought to myself, what the heck’s his problem? And suddenly, I had a problem with him.

Never mind that he could’ve been really thirsty, my super powers don’t lie. I had to get to the bottom of it, so I went looking, only to find him in the next room playing with the children. When I walked in, he looked up at me, smiled and said, “Hey, babe.”

It turns out that I don’t have super powers after all! My husband never had a problem with me, and I got mad because I believed a negative story that my imagination told me!

Well, that misconstrued exchange happened with two people in the same room. Now just imagine what can happen in a world of email and social networking. Think about what you tell yourself when you don’t hear back from someone right away—only to realize that they’re only sitting somewhere else, minding their own business.

As it turns out, our thinking minds aren’t always working in our best interests. Sometimes our imaginations trick us with negative stories and predictions.  Have you ever wanted to ask someone something, but stopped yourself because you were sure the answer would be “no.”?

Well, I have officially decided to train my brain in a new direction. I’m taking a cue from Stan Dale’s quote above.  I have determined that there is a conspiracy afoot: the whole world is plotting to support me. You’re doing it right now—as you read this—you’re sending me positive thoughts and well wishes, I just know it! The next person that I ask for help is going to be tickled pink and bend over backwards to work with me. And then, people everywhere are going to start recommending my shop and promoting my blog!

This new conspiracy feels good! Now I can stop clenching to the idea that this all has to work out, because no brain of mine is telling me otherwise. I can relax and enjoy this time in my life. I can realize that I’m doing something that I love every day. I can recognize that I spring out of bed each morning because I can’t wait to get started. I can be grateful, instead of worried, because the world is out there working toward my good right now. So, thank you!

Join the conspiracy on Facebook :) And let’s start the same conspiracy for the good of you!

 

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Filed under Energy Shop, relationships

What’s Important to You Today?

I came across this question last night in reflection, and it reminded me to get back to the simple things that matter most. When I opened my journal, I landed on a page I wrote exactly two years ago with a visualization for success. As I was feeling particularly overrun by life last night, it was perfect timing!

I’m on the verge of another big change–as I was two years ago. At the time, we were about to move from Brussels, Belgium to Culpeper, Virginia and I wrote the visualization for six months into the future. It started with my relationships, covering how my husband, children, and even our old dog handled the transition and what they would come to find and love living back home in the United States. Then, it covered me: what I would accomplish, explore, and discover.

When we were overseas, my husband and I became convinced that we would have to move our family of 6 into a cramped townhouse in Northern Virginia because the cost of living here is so expensive. However, in my visualization, I covered housing next, stating that we were living in a spacious, single family home that had at least four bedrooms. The visualization covered our finances, and made clear that money was always available and never a concern. Finally, I covered extended family and friends, naming how they would receive us and visit often.

In all scenarios, that visualization, or something better, has manifested in my life. I never even realized it had all come into fruition until last night! Yesterday I was feeling overwhelmed, and I knew the best stress relief would be to do another six month visualization and highlight all the wonderful things that would unfold in the coming months. If you’re feeling stressed simply answer the following questions and create a visualization of your own:

In six months,
1. My relationships are … Here you want to describe how your primary relationships are doing. What are the people you care about most experiencing and achieving? Imagine them fulfilling their passions and discovering their best life.

2.  I am … what are you doing, learning, reading, enjoying? Describe all of that here. Are you living up to your potential? Are you fit and active? Do you feel excited about your life?

3. My home is … redecorated, remodeled, moved to another, more fitting location. If something’s not working in your environment, you imagine it better here.

4. My finances … Reach for abundance. Debt is paid down, financial freedom is on the horizon, and out of the blue, you realized another source of income you earn while doing something you love! Get creative here, and imagine yourself prospering at every turn.

5. Your extended family and friends … How do they receive you when they see you? How do you get along with your co-workers? How has your difficult family member become a little easier to get along with? Imagine all the people who make you feel really good and record how more experiences like that will be coming.

Wishing you all the best in love and life ♥

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Filed under relationships, Spirituality

Matters of the Wounded Heart

Last year, I published a book called The Rescue You Program: How to Improve Your Life and Reinvent Your Love after an Affair, this being a personal experience for me. The affair in my marriage happened four years ago, but I can recall the emotional roller coaster I rode as if I was on it yesterday. The first chapter in my book, Shock and Circumstance, is led by this song lyric:

” . . . this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness, that brings me to my knees.” –Angel by Sarah McLachlan

Oh, that song. It was in my ear often back then and it still showers peace over my heart when I hear it now. In the immediate aftermath of an affair, when you’ve realized that everything that was, isn’t, anymore . . . It’s tragic and there is grief. Since my own experience, I have learned to love grief. It is your body’s natural cleansing and it washes over you as you mourn the loss of something. It can be beautiful and transformational.

For several months after I published, I heard no reader feedback. My book still remains review-less on Amazon.com. I told myself, “No news is good news,” but frankly, I had no idea how people were feeling about The Rescue You Program. Until recently. Comments and emails started crawling in, and they’re coming from real-life readers in real-life situations.

When I receive a Rescue You reader comment, fireworks go off in my heart. I write back, saying more than I probably should. I tell them “great work,” and “what a traumatic time for you,” and “I’m so proud,” and “all the best.” But what I feel–what I’d say if it could get the whole message across would be:

I love you so much.

First of all, I’m thrilled and thankful that people read my book. That, in itself, fills my heart. However, the fact that these women contact me? Well, I’m honored beyond words. I often compare people who face difficult life struggles with  the caterpillar-butterfly transformation. Did you know that when a caterpillar enters a cocoon, it doesn’t simply sprout wings? Instead, the caterpillar dissolves into sticky liquid form and then rebuilds itself as a butterfly. I can close my eyes and know that feeling–that liquid form-feeling. It’s vulnerable, sweet, and the absolute truth.

When readers write to me, I know that in a matter of long months, or short years, they will hardly recognize that old, caterpillar-self of theirs. They’ll think, when I was a caterpillar, I never even knew butterflies existed! But the one thing us butterflies will never, ever forget? The sweet madness of our cocoon and the glorious sadness of the transformation.

Love . . . in liquid form.

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Filed under relationships, The Rescue You Program

Backyard Shenanigans

You’re hearing from one woman who is having no out-of-town visitors this weekend. And that is OK. While I love me some weekend company, I also love me some occasional solitude. Sometimes, I don’t want to share my family. Sometimes, I want them all to myself, in my backyard on a sunny day.

The eldest son

The youngest daughter

The eldest daughter

The youngest son

Add some four-pawed chaos:

Happy 13th Birthday, Best Damn Dog Ever

Koosh Ball, without the koosh (summer-shave)

And the co-creator of all that is wonderful and right in my Life:

The Love

Happy 13th Anniversary. Here’s to us ♥

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Filed under Around Town, family, relationships

Honest Talk: After the Affair

An extramarital affair is such closeted material, which is the number one reason I love discussing it! If you’re having this experience, you may know that it’s virtually impossible to get real people to talk about it, especially if they’ve successfully recovered from the ordeal. The first few months are grief-stricken and tumultuous and here, from O Magazine, is one woman’s account.

He Cheated, She Stayed: One Woman’s True Story of Getting Over Infidelity

There is hope! For more information, please visit my website at www.rescueyou.org or search “The Rescue You Program” at amazon.com. All the best in love and life!

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Filed under relationships, The Rescue You Program

Should you stay together after an affair?

This way towards Hope

I love this question and I really love the couples who face it. Why? Because I can relate,  and just by closing my own eyes, I can recall their uncertainty, frustration, and the love they have buried with fear. Should you stay together after an affair? In my opinion, the answer is sometimes a hardy ‘no,’ regardless of the promise and promises people try to preach in their behalf. These people usually have a huge resistance to letting the unfitting relationship go and opening themselves up to the unknown–thereby missing wonderful opportunities in the right direction.

More often for the people who seek me out, the answer is a resounding ‘yes.’ I believe people know in their heart whether or not a relationship is worth their hard work and precious energy. Love is free. You can give that to everyone and everything, and there’s no price to pay. However, relationships are a harmonized give and take, so to love the one you are in a relationship with requires daily deposit. In your heart, you need to know that your deposit is worth your energy–or you won’t really give it your all–and you need to know that the relationship is providing you a nutritional return.

After an affair, there are certain characteristics a couple will demonstrate that show their passion and willingness toward each other. All of these are good signs that things will work out for the best. As a dear friend and counselor told me after I experienced betrayal in my marriage, “Sometimes a couple will never recover, and their relationship will end over an affair. Other times, a couple will recover and rebuild and their relationship becomes a thousand times better.” How do you know which category you fall under? Here are some clues that you’re headed for a thousand times better:

1. A Great Track Record. This refers back to another post about Maya Angelou’s quote, “When a person shows you who they really are, believe them the first time.” That doesn’t mean the affair–if a person was trying to show you their dishonesty, deceit, and disloyalty, you would have gotten millions of signs before the actual affair occurred. This means, when you look back on your history together, is it filled with loving, touching, caring moments? Can you tell that good comes from the core in your partner? Or does the good seem to cover up the deceit? I believe that a great track record can even include past mistakes when history shows that the mistakes happen because the person or couple does not know how to deal with times of uncertainty, stress, or upset. Can you see the love beneath your partner’s actions–good or bad? Do you have a record of resilience through tough times?

2. Joy and Optimism. Does your couple love to have fun together? And I don’t mean Bourbon Street, night club, stripper poles-kind-of-fun (and I don’t Not mean that, either), but here I’m talking about Sunday-night-at-home fun. Do you share an overall spirit of joy for the life you share? And the people and activities and things around you? Do you enjoy quiet times alone–is there laughter and peace? Do you look forward to tomorrow, next weekend, next year, and the next decade together? All of these are good signs in the right direction.

3. Connection. When my husband and I are feeling distant of each other, we often refer to our “connection” in conversations about it. Connection is important. It is the feeling that holds the relationship together, that knowing that when I’m not with you–I’m still with you. And vice versa. This is one and the same with trust. Connection can feel like a poor, abused innocent in the aftermath of the affair, but it’s important that you had it and that you are willing to rebuild and improve on it.

4. Passion. This is a given. You must love the one you’re with, and invest in rekindling that desire on a daily basis. Are you excited to see your partner at the end of every day? Do you look forward to phone calls? Intimacy is a fundamental building block in any love relationship. You may be experiencing trust and anxiety issues in this department, but passion can be restored after the affair.

5. Gratitude. This is such a healthy and rewarding expression of self. It is okay if you didn’t express your gratitude often before the affair, but it will be a key to rebuilding and improving your relationship for the future. Gratitude is the manifestation of loving thoughts and optimism combined.

For more information or personal affair recovery coaching, please visit my website at www.rescueyou.org. All the best in life and love, my dears!

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Dealing with Betrayal

Maya Angelou is known to have said, “When a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” This sentence of advice may sting after a betrayal. Or, it may provide a great reassurance.

Can you remember a relationship that ended badly? Any type of relationship will do well with this example, whether it be with a friend, relative, or lover. You can probably look back into your history with that person and remember the first time they said or did something that gave you pause, like a spiritual red flag. We’re all susceptible to these slips in judgement, this misalignment with people. Trial and error is how we find best friends, true loves, and kindred spirits.

However, sometimes you want something to be as you expected it so much, that you overlook spiritual red flag #1. And spiritual red flag #2. And of course, spiritual red flag #3, until you’re full blown involved in your latest dysfunctional relationship. Yes, we get better at recognizing spiritual red flags, but we don’t always get better at honoring their presence. Before you know it, you feel off-course and agitated and that dysfunctional relationship is feeling pretty comfortable and safe. You’ve passed all the spirtual red flags on the road, and now you’re facing glaring “WRONG WAY” signage. Hence the quote, “When a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

Then again, sometimes things are not so cut and dry, especially in dealing with betrayal. Betrayal can be a poisonous bite from a venemous person. Or, It can be a self-sabotaging act of discontent. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not out to help sweep wrongdoings under the rug. I like to think my job is to help good couples keep it together and help loving families remain intact. Sometimes, betrayal is not a revelation of a who a person is, as we so often see on talk show TV and tabloid articles. Instead, betrayal can be a misguided and uncharacteristic attempt to feel better.

The social rule for betrayal–especially in love relationships–is, “LEAVE!” You’re almost expected to do this or you’ll be seen as weak and dependent of the person who betrayed you. What if you know who a person really is, based on what they’ve shown you for the last decade or so? And what if it’s not harmful? What if the past is filled with spiritual green go flags? Would you be willing to leave a kindred spirit over social expectations?

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